Showing Up to the Page

I have a secret to admit: I haven’t written more than 15,000 words of fiction since I wrote Somewhere Only We Know. I wrote SOWK over a period of three months, but in the three years since I’ve only managed to write the equivalent of a quarter of that book.

I’ve been struggling a lot in my writing. No idea has felt quite right since SOWK. And I was so busy with so many different babysitting jobs that I felt like I never had long enough stretches in which to write.

So I decided to quit my job two months ago. My husband and I are blessed in that he earns enough to support us both, and I am doubly blessed that he wants me to stay home and write. I was sick of spending so much time and energy running around to five different babysitting jobs a week when what I want to do—what God has called me to do—is write.

However I was so exhausted by the time that I quit my jobs that I wasn’t ready to jump back into writing. Instead I’ve taken the last two months to rest and read a lot. I was hoping after doing so, and after going on our vacation to the Great Smoky Mountains, I’d feel inspired enough to jump back into writing.

One of the mornings on our vacation, I woke up before anyone else and decided to walk out on the deck to watch the sun rise. I took probably the most beautiful photograph I’ve ever taken that morning, but it’s not as inspiring as it seems.

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Pigeon Forge, Tennessee

That morning on the deck, I begged God to reach me, to show me how to do this, to change me, to show me how to write again.

But I felt nothing.

I took the photograph because I couldn’t believe the beauty before me, but I didn’t feel God speak to my heart that morning.

I had this blog post marked in my planner ever since I quit my job, figuring I’d get back to work by June and that I would be full of inspiration after resting and seeing the mountains. I was going to write about taking breaks and coming back to the page refreshed.

Instead I’m coming back almost as worn and weary as before, but with a new perspective. We can’t ask God for beautiful, inspiring sunrise moments on demand. We must simply show up to the work he’s called us to do, and do it.

I didn’t make a whole big schedule this time. I simplified my social media and blog planning to a minimum. I made a list of stories that I can work on. And I’m only trying to write 200 words each day. I’m just showing up to the page.

I’m trying.

I’m learning how to write again.

I’m focusing on nonfiction, because that seems to come a little easier right now.

I’m jumping into writing opportunities at my church.

And we’ll see how it goes and how God leads me. But I have to take the first step by putting my fingers to the keyboard again.

What I think is going to help me the most is that my husband and I are about to move into our first house. I will have my own library/office and my books will all be in the same place for the first time ever. I will finally have my own space in which to create, and I can’t wait to see what magic my new library will hold.